I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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