dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
