do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
