Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
