I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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