frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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