one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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