I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
