my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
