Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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