all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
