is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
