two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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