Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
