No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
