My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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