Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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