I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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