Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
