Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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