How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
