So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
