I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
