were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
