I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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