party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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