I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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