the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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