wrigley field is MILF paradise
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
