I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
