What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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