What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Your cock deserves a montage
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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