She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
