you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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