i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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