What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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