Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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