does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
