I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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