dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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