Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
