The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
