Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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