Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
