Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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