Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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