Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
