Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
