Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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