we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
