Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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