Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
