I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
