I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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