I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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