I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
